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Dramas and Comedies 

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M. F. 

Imogene; 01, The Witch’s Secret. Strong and realistic drama; 4 

acts; 2% hours.• •• 8 4 

Crawford’s “Claim ’’(“Nugget Nell”). 4 acts; good, rattling 

Western drama ; 2% hours.... 9 3 

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“ Strife ! ” (“ Master and Men ”). The great Labor drama ; 3 acts; 

2% hours. 9 4 

Under a Cloud. Bright and pleasing comedy-drama; 2 acts: i )4 

hours. 5 2 

Saved From the Wreck. Drama 5 serio-comic; 3 acts; 2 hours. 8 3 

Between Two Fires. Drama; military plot ; 3 acts ; 2 hours. 8 3 

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played in any hall; 5 acts ; 2^ hours. 7 5 

My Awful Bad. A side-splitting comedy ; 3 acts , 2 hours. 6 6 

“ Engaged.” Society comedy; full of burlesque fun; 3 acts; 2% hours.. 5 5 
The Wanderer’s Return (“Enoch Arden”). Drama, with a strong 

plot and effective characters ; 4 acts ; 2% hours. 6 4 

The Cricket on the Hearth. Dickens’ story.dramatized; 3 acts; 2 hours. 6 6 
“Single” Life. Uproariously funny comedy; bachelo/s and spin¬ 
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Married Life. A companion piece, equally comic; 5 married 

couples ; 3 acts ; 2 hours. 5 5 

“Our Boys.” Comedy; always succeeds; 3 acts ; 2 hours.... 6 4 

Miriam’s Crime. Excellent serio-comic drama, with mirth as well as 

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Not So Bad After All (“ Is Marriage a Failure ? ”). Comedy ; 3 acts ; 

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Timothy Delano’s Courtship. Yankee Comedy; z acts ; 1 hour. 2 3 

Sweethearts. A beautiful comedy combining fun and pathos ; 2 acts; 

1 hour. 2 2 

Uncle Jack. Drama; comic, with a good moral; 1 act; hours.... 3 4 
Rebecca and Rowena. Burlesque comedy dramatized from Scott’s 

“ Ivanhoe ” ; 5 acts ; 1 hour. 3 3 

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very strong plot; 3 acts ; 2 hours . 4 3 

Caste. _ Comedy that always delights the public; 3 acts ; 2% hours... 5 3 

The Triple Wedding. Short, excellent drama of home life; 3 acts; 

1 V\ hours. . . 

All that Glitters is Not Gold (“ The Factory Girl”). Comic Drama 

of great force; 2 acts. 6 3 

Not Such a Fool as He Looks. Comedy; alternate sentiment and 

roaring fun; 3 acts; 2% hours. 5 4 

Solon Shingle (“ The People’s Lawyer ”). Yankee Comedy; 2 acts; 

l l /2 hOUrS . y y 

Out in the Streets. Drama; always received with enthusiasm; g 

acts ; r hour. g 4 

Broken Promises. 5 acts; a strong temperance play of unflagging in¬ 
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Ten Nights in a Barroom. 5 acts; plays 2 hours; new and simplified 
version of an old favorite that will draw hundreds where other 
plays draw dozens. , 4 

DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, 18 Ann St., N. Y. 


































yohn Brag , Deceased 

A FARCE IN 
FOUR ACTS 

By Gordon V. May 


Copyright, Dick & Fitzgerald, 1902 


NEW YORK 

Dick Fitzgerald 

l8 ANN STREE T 






THE LIBRARY OF 
CONGRESS, 

Two Conte Received 

OCT. f 1902 

OrjPVWrtWT ENTWV 

/v£^. 0 *2"~ 

C'ASS A” XXa No. 
1 Vq 
_ copy 8. I 


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. i-- 

John Brag, Deceased. 




Note— The acting rights of this play are expressly reserved. Theatrical 
managers wishing to produce it should apply to the publisher. Amateur rep¬ 
resentation may be made without such application and without charge. 


CHARACTERS. 


John Brag, 
Artemus Gaunt, 
Jack Schuyler, 
Blackstone Brief 
Cerephus Squills 
Donald McGurk, 
New York Life, 

C. Sneeker, 
Serephina Brag, 
Ruby Brag, 

Pearl Brag, 
Sapphire Brag, 


the deceased. 
Brag’s secretary, 
his nephew, 
his lawyer, 
his doctor, 
his double, 
a claim adjuster, 
a detective. 
Brag’s wife. 


his daughters. 


Bonnie Chick, .... The cause of it all. 
Time—The Present Place,—New York City. 

Time of Representation, two hours and a half. 

Act I.— Library in Brag’s Home. The trouble begins. 
Act II.—Same as Act I. The trouble continues. 

Act III.— Garden in front of Brag’s Home. More 
t,roiible. ot v . t t t c< r < , m 

1 APt« IVSr-ASamfe as Acis I and II. The trouble ends. 

* Six'. rhbn-thV' between* ‘Acts 0 I and II. An evening between 
Acts II and III. Acts III and IV occur the same day. 


COSTUMES. 


Brag. —In Act I, Dressing gown or Smoking Jacket; half¬ 
bald gray wig. In Act II, III and IV, Scotch plaid travelling suit, 
(or full Highland Costume), full sandy wig and side whiskers. 
In last entrance travelling costume. 

McGurk.—A s nearly as possible the counterpart of Brag’s 
costume and make-up for Act II. 

Jack.— In Act I, Young man’s rather sporty costume. In 
Act II, evening reception costume. 









Costumes. 


3 


Gaunt, Brief, and Squills. —Costumes suitable for elderly 
men. 

Life and Sneeker.— Young men’s business costume and 
make-up. 

Mrs. Brag. —In Act I, plain, domestic gown, gray wig. In 
Act II, and III, elderly lady’s reception costume. In Act IV, 
travelling costume. 

Ruby, Pearl, and Sapphire.— In Act I, morning costume. 
In following Acts, dressed for evening reception. In Act IV, 
travelling costume, 

Bonnie.— Handsomely, rather showily gowned, Soubrette style 
of wig. (If she dances in Act II, she will need a ballet style of 
dress for this Act with a cloak to throw off when her dance be¬ 
gins.; 


INCIDENTAL PROPERTIES. 

Act I.—Papers, bills, letters, etc., on desk L. Decanter and 
glasses on safe up L. Book, for Brag to throw, on stand R. 
Note book for Brag. Watch and note book for Life. Letter 
for Brief. 

Act II.—Large bottle of red colored water on desk L. Letter 
for Gaunt. 

Act III.—Four pistols for Jack. 

Act IV.—Cigar for Jack. Handcuffs for Sneeker. Club 
for McGurk. Bandages, plaster, etc., Brief and Squills. 
Satchel, etc., lor Brag and family on last entrance. 

STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

R, means Right, L, Left of the Actor facing the audience. C, 
Center; R. C., Right, of Center; L. C., Left of Center; U, Up 
towards back of stage; F. Front, towards footlights; D. F., 
Door in flat; D. R., Door Right of stage; D. L., Door Left of 
Stage ; E. Entrance. 


Author’s Note. 


This play has been given under the author’s management, and 
met with great success. It was written to fill the needs of an up- 
to-date amateur company, giving them plenty of opportunities, 
without trouble as to scenery or costumes. Any Hall having a 
stage is usually supplied with a room and a wood scene. That is 
all that is necessary. As to costumes, they are such as any one 
can furnish, with the exception of Bonnie’s dancing costume for 
Act II. Of course they may be elaborated to suit the taste. 
Each male part may be made a distinct hit. Likewise the parts 
of Mrs. Brag and Bonnie, and on each depend a part of the suc¬ 
cess of the play. Brag is a rather sporty old fellow whose scrapes 
have got him into financial difficulties. In Acts II and III he is 
angry and in deadly earnest. Gaunt should be at all times the 
faithful Secretary, willing to help his employer, but hopelessly 
lost in the maze of circumstances, and fearful of the results. 
Jack is the sporty young man always in debt, and in love with 
Bonnie as well. Brief and Squills may be made the hits of the 
performance. In their quarrels with each other, they should ap¬ 
pear as they really are, very angry. During the duel scene, how¬ 
ever, they are cowards, and should exhibit it in expression, action 
and voice. Life is the thorough man of business, eager to make a 
record for his Insurance Company. Sneeker, is a cool, mysterious 
detective. Mrs. Brag is a very kittenish old lady, and should 
be played in comic old maid style. McGurk’s lines depict his 
position. 

Bonnie should be what she is,—a chorus girl, inclined to be 
gay, but true in her love for Jack. She need not dance, and the 
specialties in Act II may be cut out, but they add materially to 
the pleasure of the audience, and should be used if possible. 

Care should be taken to work up the climaxes of each act; and 
in the first and last, the players must be careful to follow the di¬ 
rections as to positions. Especially is this important in Act I, 
when Brag lies on sofa. No one should look his way. This 
will allow him and Gaunt to work up considerable by-play, which 
however must not be such as will draw the attention from the di¬ 
alogue. 

A further word as to Brief and Squills. The former (if 
possible) should be tall and spare, and speak at all times slowly 
and deliberately. Squills should be short and stout, and quick 
of speech. This contrast alone will heighten the effect in all their 
scenes. 


The Author. 


John Brag, Deceased. 

ACT I. 

Scene. Library of John Brag. Door . R / door , L, door in C. 
of rear fiat ; a chair R. and L. of rear door ; safe, rear L. 
screen rear R / sofa, R. front ; desk with chair, L. front ; 
table left of C. with two chairs behind it and a chair R. and 
left of it. Gaunt discovered at desk L. as curtain rises, 
examining bills. 

Gaunt. Things are surely going badly with the boss. I can¬ 
not understand it at all. He seems to be doing a good business, 
and yet he is away behind with his bills. And such bills. Here is 
one of five hundred dollars, for a lady’s coat; another of a like 
amount for a diamond ring. And, good lord, (reads), “To six 
pair of silk hose—$20.00.” I can’t remember seeing his wife or 
daughters in a new coat or a diamond ring. They may have worn 
the stockings. I cannot say as to that (rising). But it is all 
very strange, and I cannot understand it (starts R.). 

(Enter Jack, D. F.) 

Jack (coming down R. C.). Good morning, Gaunt, where is 
the gov’nor ? 

Gaunt (L. C. behind table). He hasn’t come down yet. 

Jack (seated R. of table). Oh, he hasn’t, eh ? Lucky dog to 
be able to lie abed until nine o'clock. 

Gaunt. He was up rather late last night, sir. 

Jack. Opera or vaudeville ? 

Gaunt (back of table). Eh ? 

Jack. I said opera or vaudeville ? When a man is up late it 
means- 

Gaunt. Oh, neither of them, I am sure. Some business meet¬ 
ing, I believe. 

JACK (taking off gloves and hat). Business meeting? Oh 
yes, I see. I often have business meetings myself. Well, I will 
wait his pleasure. In fact, I’ll have to. I want to take in the 
races this afternoon; and I haven’t got enough to get me into the 
betting ring, to say nothing of taking a flyer after I get there. 

Gaunt. Do you mean that you are after a loan ? 

Jack. Um, well, I would hardly call it by so harsh a name as 



6 


John Brag, Deceased* 


that. He is my uncle, I know, but he does not live at the sign of 
the three balls. Besides a loan signifies that a repayment is ex¬ 
pected, and I have never been guilty of that. No I would be more 
genteel. I wish to touch him for—say—a ten spot. 

Gaunt ( going R). Well, I’m afraid you won’t get it. 

Jack. Won’t get it? Why not ? 

Gaunt {back to R. of Jack). Well, you see, the boss is in 
straightened circumstances just at present. 

Jack. Nonsense. Why he is one of the most lucky traders 
on the floor of the Exchange. 

Gaunt {going R). I cannot say as to that, sir. {Exits D. R.) 

Jack {takes up newspaper). Well I can. It has been to my 
interest to keep an eye on my worthy relative. No, no. John 
Brag cannot pull the wool over my eyes by pleading poverty; un¬ 
less— {thoughtfully) by Jove, it cannot be. At his time of life ; 
with a wife and grown daughters. Oh if I were only sure ; how I 
would mulct the old sinner. Still, I’ve got to have the money, pov¬ 
erty or no poverty. {Enter Bonnie, D. F. she conies down slowly 
to back of table.) Hang it all. If I don’t, I can’t lay that bet on 
Surprise that stands to win me a hundred, and if I don’t win that 
hundred where will Bonnie Chick come in ? 

Bonnie (L. of table). Door in flat. (Jack springs to his feetl) 
That is where I come in. It is the only proper place. You always 
get in the limelight then, and you make a better appearance. 

Jack. Great Scott! Where did you come from? 

Bonnie. From a cab that dropped me at the door. We poor 
girls can’t afford our own carriage you know, unless some good 
angel- 

Jack. There, there. I don’t have to be kicked to take a hint. 

I mean what are you doing here ? 

Bonnie. Hush, don’t speak so loud. It is unnecessary, and 
might bring undesirable intruders. It is a dramatic climax though, 
isn’t it ? Sit down, dear boy, and I’ll tell you how it all came 
about. {Both seated ; Jack R. and Bonnie L. of table.) You see 
I give lessons in dancing as well as dance myself; and a few days 
ago, I received a letter asking my terms. It was signed, Ruby 
Brag. 

Jack. My cousin! 

Bonnie. So I understand. Well I sent my terms; they were 
accepted ; and I am here to give my pupils—for they are three, I 
believe—their first lesson. {Pause.) It is all so funny. 

Jack. What is so funny? A mere coincidence. 

Bonnie. Yes I know. But to think that I should be selected 
to teach the old gent’s daughters. 

Jack {quickly). Who? 

Bonnie. My friend, Mr. Brag. 

Jack. Your friend ? What do you mean? {angrily.) 

Bonnie. Now Jack, don’t get jealous ; that’s a good boy. Do 



John Brag, Deceased. 


7 


you see this wrap; and these rings ; and those stockings? John 
Brag’s money paid for them all. 

Jack ( rises angrily , and strides to R.) The old villain. 

Bonnie ( leans back i?i chair. Gazes at him). Very tragic I 
declare. You ought to join the profesh at once. There is a barn¬ 
storming company going out next week. I might get you the 
heavies. 

Jack. Don’t mock me. I am mad clean through. 

Bonnie {rises and goes to him). Oh no you’re not. Only a 
bit jealous. Now don't be, for “ my heart is true to Poll.” {Arm 
on his shoulder.) But really now, you couldn’t expect me to let a 
chance like that slip by, could you ? We will call them premature 
wedding presents, if you like. (Jack turns away. BONNlE/ttA 
arm about neckl) 

Jack {after a pause during which she coaxes in pantomime). 
Well—all right. We will let it go at that. Does he know that you 
are here ? 

Bonnie. Oh dear no. And what is more, he must not. Not 
only for our sakes, but for the dear girls. They do not wish their 
parents to know of it until they are proficient. 

Jack. Then you had better go to them at once. You will find 
them in the parlor, just down the hall. Uncle may be here at any 
moment. 

Bonnie. Very well. Now Jack, old fellow, remember, you 
are to keep this and the other {pats his cheek) a secret. {Exits 
D. F. Mrs. Brag enters D.h. at satne time aud gazes after her,) 

Jack (R. C.). Willi? Well the dancing part perhaps. But 
as for the other—Oh no; I won’t do a thing to him. Let me see. 
I’ll just strike him for twenty-five as a starter. ( Turns L. and dis¬ 
covers Mrs. Brag.) Oh, good morning, aunt. Mrs. Brag busi¬ 
ness of lookmg off at D. F.) 

Mrs. Brag {up C). Who was that woman I saw leave the 
room as I entered ? 

Jack. That woman? Oh yes I see. Well—er—that woman 
was a book agent. 

Mrs. Brag. A book agent, indeed. The impudence of those 
people is something amazing. Did you tell her to get out ? 

Jack. I ? Yes, oh yes. I told her we had no use for books 
here. 

Mrs. Brag. Quite right. I shall see Marie, and give her a 
lecture on letting every Tom, Dick, and Harry into the house. She 
might have robbed us. 

Jack (C. aside). I guess she has, if the truth was known. 

Mrs. Brag. Eh ? 

Jack {going left). I said yes, so she might. (Mrs. Brag 
exits D F.) The plot thickens. Egad, if she gets at Bonnie, 
there is likely to be trouble all around. I guess I’ll light out, 
{Exits D. L .)E?iter Gaunt and Brag D. R. 


8 


John Brag, Deceased. 

Brag {coming down followed by Gaunt). No, I don’t feel 
very well this morning. The fact is—er—Gaunt, get me a drink. 
{sits R. of table, Gaunt fetches decanter and glasses from safe). 
The fact is,—I say Artemus; I’ve always been a good friend to 
you, haven’t I ? ( hours and drinks). 

Gaunt {back of table). Indeed you have Mr. Brag. 

Brag. Thanks. Well, the fact is I’m in a tight hole. The 
fact is, I’ve speculated unwisely {aside). Damn the women 
{aloud). And I’m short. 

Gaunt {expectantly). Yes sir. 

Brag. Yes short. Very short. Exceedingly short; in fact— 
damn short. I’m on the verge of bankruptcy. 

Gaunt {distressed). Is it possible. 

Brag. Possible? Yes, unpleasantly so. Let me see {takes 
note-book from pocket). I owe just about one hundred thousand 
dollars. 

Gaunt. Good lord! 

Brag. Takes your breath away, does it ? Well it does mine 
too. Now I’ve got about twenty thousand to my credit; leaving a 
balance of eighty thousand. 

Gaunt {anxiously). What are you going to do about it ? 

Brag. That is just what I wanted to see you about. I’ve laid 
awake all night thinking over the matter ; and I have come to the 
conclusion that there is but one thing left for me to do. 

Gaunt. You mean to fail ? 

Brag. No, to die. 

Gaunt {excitedly). Good lord, Mr. Brag, you don’t mean,— 

Brag. There, there, Gaunt. Don’t go off half cocked. Sit 
down and I’ll explain. Er—you had better close the doors first. 
(Gaunt goes to each door, listens and then closes it. He then 
returns to table, and sits L. During the interval Brag drinks 
several times). 

Gaunt. Now, sir. 

Brag. Yes, I am going to die ; but I am not going to kill my¬ 
self. Do you understand ? 

Gaunt {rising. Very excitedly). Good lord, Mr. Brag, you 
don’t expect me to do it, do you ? I never had any experience in 
killing people, and I'm sure I’d make a mess of it. 

Brag. No, you fool. I see I shall have to be plain (Gaunt 
sinks back in chair). Listen. My life is insured for a hundred 
and fifty thousand. If I only had that, everything could be 
straightened out, and still leave a comfortable surplus. Now my 
idea is to make believe I am dead and get the money. Mrs. Brag 
can settle the debts, and still have a nice pile. I can take what 
I've got, and skip. 

Gaunt {shaking head). It’s mighty risky business. 

Brag. I know it. But it is my only chance. Either that or 
poverty. 


9 


John Brag, Deceased. 

Gaunt. But how will you do it ? 

Brag. I shall die right here. You will send for old Squills ; 
he’s a numbskull anyway. Tell him I died of ( rubs head), let me 
see. Ah ! heart disease, that will do nicely. He will fix up the cer¬ 
tificate, and arrange matters with the insurance company. After 
I am in the vault, you can let me out, and I will lie shady for a 
while. 

Gaunt ( trembling ). I don’t like it a bit. I was always afraid 
of ghosts. 

Brag. Nonsense. There are no such things. Here, take a 
stiff bracer {he pours a glass of wine, which Gaunt with trem¬ 
bling fingers'drinks). Now there is only one thing that 1 have not 
arranged ; and that is my coming back. 

Gaunt ( excitedly ). Good lord ! 

Brag. You see, when John Brag is once dead, that settles 
John Brag. 

Gaunt ( nodding head). Just so, sir, I can see that plainly. 

Brag. Very well. I shall have to lie low for a while, say six 
months or so, but then naturally I shall want to come back and 
see my family again. Now haven’t you some friend whom I can 
impersonate ? 

Gaunt (thinks). I have got a half brother in Scotland. 

Brag. Good. The very thing. What is his name ? 

Gaunt. Donald McGurk. 

Brag. Not a very euphoneous title ; but it will do. Dead men 
cannot be choice in their names. I will come back as your half 
brother, Donald McGurk. Now come with me and we will arrange 
the details. (Rises and exits D. R. Gaunt returns decanter and 
glasses to safe.) 

Gaunt (going R.). Such a business, (exits D. R.). 

Enter D. F. Bonnie and three daughters. They form in line, 
and preceded by Bonnie they dance down stage to footlights. 
On reaching front, music ceases and the girls sit. Ruby R. of 
table ; Pearl and Sapphire on sofa R. Bonnie down L. As 
they sit, Jack e?iters D. L. 

Jack. Bravo girls. Some day you will rival your teacher. 

Bonnie. Thank you, sir. Now, my dears, the lesson is over 
for the day. Fortunately we were not interrupted. 

Jack (L. C. near Bonnie). You weren’t eh ? Well, it was 
not aunt’s fault. 

Ruby. Indeed. We shall have to be careful. She might not 
like it at all. 

Pearl. And papa too might object. 

Jack. That’s so ; he might. 

Bonnie (A? Jack). Hush, you naughty boy. (aloud). Good- 
by, now. (starts up stage.) 

Exits D. F. accompa?iied by Pearl and Sapphire. 

Ruby (rises). You seem to know our teacher. 


IO 


John Brag, Deceased* 


Jack. I Er-yes, I know'her slightly. 

Ruby. Oh just wait until I can dance like her. I will surprise 
some people. ( Dances , off stage , D. L. in awkward fashion .) 

JACK. No doubt you will. When you can. Confound that old 
sleepy head ( looks at watch). Here it is nearly ten o’clock and 
he isn’t down yet. If he does not hurry, I shall lose my chance 
at Sheepshead. 

Exits R. C. 

D. L. Enter Gaunt and Brag D. R. 

Brag. Well, everything is ready now, I think. 

Gaunt (R. C.). Yes, sir. 

Brag. And you are sure of your instructions ? I cannot be ex¬ 
pected to communicate with you after I am dead, you know ? 

Gaunt. I think I understand it all. 

Brag {lies on sofa R facing audience). All right, here goes. 
Now I’m dead. Remember, don’t let any one come near me. 

Gaunt {looking at Brag and nibbing his hands.) Good 
lord, this is terrible. Let me see,- 

Brag. You are to rush to the door and call, but don’t leave 
me alone. 

Gaunt {goes to D. F. and calls loudly). Help, help, murder, 
police. 

Brag {rising). The idiot will make a mess of it yet, if he 
isn’t careful. 

(Gaunt returns to Brag’s side. Brag drops back on sofa. 
Enter Mrs. Brag and Pearl D. F. ; Ruby ^zz/Sapphire D.L. 

Mrs. Brag (R. C.) Artemus, what is the matter ? 

Gaunt. The boss is dead. 

All. DEAD! 

Gaunt. Yes, dead, dead, dead. 

Mrs. Brag {coming R.). Oh it cannot be. 

Gaunt. Go back. Don’t touch him. 

Mrs. Brag. Why not. Oh do not tell me that. 

Ruby seated L of table , Pearl and Sapphire behind it. 

Gaunt. I wouldn’t, only you see it was his last words. He 
said : “ Gaunt, don’t let any one touch me.” Poor man ; he had 

been touched so often in life, that I suppose it came kind of natural. 

Mrs. Brag {handkerchief). How did he die ? 

Gaunt. Well he just said, “ Here goes and,- 

All. What ! 

Gaunt. Er —you see—I mean—. Well I guess he was a 
little out of his head. 

Mrs Brag. Why didn’t you call me? (Mrs. Brag sits R of 

tablet) 

Gaunt. It was all so sudden like. 

Ruby. Have you sent for a doctor ? 

Gaunt. Yes, we did that before we came in here. 

All. Eh! 


John Brag, Deceased. 


ii 


Gaunt. Yes—that is—you see he wasn’t feeling well, and he 
told me to telephone for Squills. But it won’t do him any good 
now, poor man. He is dead. (Mrs. Brag and girls all bury 
their heads on table , and cry loudly and discordantly .) 

Gaunt. Isn’t that worthy of a Wagner chorus ? 

Mrs. Brag. Oh, he was such a dear, good husband. He al¬ 
ways let me have my own way, and gave me plenty of money. Ah 
me ! It will be a long time before I can find another like him, I 
suppose. 

Ruby. And to think that we have got to put on mourning. It 
does not agree with my complexion at all. 

Pearl. And stay away from balls and parties for six months 
at least. Oh it is terrible. 

Sapphire. And give up Bonnie. 

Brag. Eh ! (Brag rises as he speaks , and is pushed back by 
Gaunt.) 

Mrs. Brag {to Gaunt.) Did you speak? 

Gaunt. Oh lord, no, ma’am. At least—that is I only coughed. 

{Enter SQUILLS D. F.) 

Squills. Dear me. (Mrs. Brag and girls cry.) Can it be 
possible that my old friend,- 

Gaunt. He is dead. 

Squills. Dead ? {coming down R. C.) 

Gaunt. Yes, dead. 

Squills {down R. C.). Dear me. Paralysis, I suppose. 

Gaunt. No, heart disease. 

Squills. Heart disease ? Impossible, Why John Brag’s 
heart was as sound as mine. 

Gaunt. Well it was heart disease. He said so himself, and I 
guess he ought to know. 

Squills. Dear me, how strange. Let me make an examina¬ 
tion, and see,- 

Gaunt. Go back doctor. His last request was not to be 
touched. 

Squills. Dear me, how strange. Well, we will respect his 
last wish. He was insured was he not ? 

Gaunt. Yes, for a hundred and fifty thousand dollars. 

Mrs. Brag 
Girls. 

Mrs. Brag. Wasn’t he a dear good man ? 

Squills (goes to R. of Mrs. Brag’s chair.) My dear 
woman, pray don’t take on so. {Aside). A hundred and fifty 
thousand, and me a bachelor. {Aloud.) There, there, be com¬ 
forted. He was a good man no doubt, but there are others. 

Brag. Eh ! {Each time he speaks he rises, and is pushed down 
by Gaunt.) 

Mrs. Brag. I suppose so, dear Doctor Squills. But I may 
never find them. 


• | A -h—h—h. 


12 


John Brag, Deceased. 


Squills. Never fear. They will find you. There are plenty 
of loving hearts, pining for just such a dear good woman as you. 
( He bends over Mrs. Brag.) 

Brag {aside to Gaunt). Choke him off, Gaunt ; or I shall 
forget myself and kick him. 

Mrs. Brag. Oh dear doctor; it is so good of you to comfort 
me. 

Squills. Tut, tut. It is a privilege to comfort beauty in dis¬ 
tress. 

(Brag takes book from table R and throws at SQUILLS.) (to 
Gaunt.) Sir! what do you mean by assaulting me. 

Gaunt. Oh lord! ere—I—I— (Enter New York Life, 
D. R.) 

Life ( coming down C. briskly and talking hurriedly through¬ 
out). Excuse me, but our office has just received word that one 
John Brag, holding policy 1,277,648 in our company, has just died 
suddenly. 

Gaunt. It is so. 

Life ( stands R. C.). Good. 

All. Eh! 

Life. Excuse me. I was not referring to the gentlemen’s 
death. Have you had a doctor ? 

Squills. I have the honor to be the family physician of the 
deceased and his dear wife. 

Life. Good. Excuse me. The fact is, the Tontinia company 
paid a death claim last week in five hours, forty-three minutes, and 
twenty-eight seconds after the holder drew his last breath, and 
they have been advertising it ever since. But we mean to have 
the record. Let me see. When did he die ? 

Gaunt. About half an hour ago, 

Life. Good. Excuse me. Have you the policy ? 

Gaunt. Yes. It is in his desk. 

Liee, Good. Get it on the jump now. (Gaunt goes to desk 
and returns with policy, which he hands to Life. He does so 
quickly; looking back at Brag frequently.) 

Life (taking out notebook and pencil). Thanks. Time of 
death 9:30; (looks at watch). Claim adjuster at house at ten 
o’clock. That beats the Tontinia by three-quarters of an hour. 
(To Squills.) You say you are the doctor ? 

Squills. I have the honor, as I said- 

Life. Then fill out this certificate, and be P. D. O. about it. 
(He pushes SQUILLS to desk L., opens policy and points out place 
for SQUILLS to szgn. He does.) 

Mrs. Brag. A hundred and fifty thousand (delightedly) ! 

Girls. A hundred and fifty thousand (delightedly) ! 

Mrs. Brag. Wasn’t he a dear, good man (delightedly) ! 

Ruby. Now we can have an automobile, with rubber tires. 

Pearl. And a summer residence at Newport. 



John Brag', Deceased. 


i 


O 


Saphire. Oh, let us go travelling. 

Life {catches tip policy). There, that will do. Certificate filed 
at ten : ten. Still three-quarters ahead. And now I will bid you 
all good morning. I will telephone the home office that every¬ 
thing is O. K., and they will send you a cheque by special messen¬ 
ger. Oh, we will beat the Tontinia this time, dead sure. 

Exits hurriedly, D. F. 

Enter Jack, D. L., Squills seated at desk. 

Jack {up L.). If he isn’t up by this time—Hello ! What’s the 
matter ? 

Gaunt. The boss is dead. 

Jack {up R. C.). Dead ! 

Gaunt. Dead. 

All. Dead. (Mrs. Brag and Girls cry.) 

Jack. Hang it all. Did you ever see such luck. Why must 
he go off just when I need the loan of a few bones. 

Gaunt. Can’t say, sir. You had better ask him—ere, I 
mean- 

Mrs. Brag. Come here, Jack, my poor boy. Isn’t it terrible ? 

Jack {at Mrs. Brag’s side). Yes. It puts me in a deuce of 
a hole. 

Mrs. Brag. But think of it. He is insured for a hundred and 
fifty thousand. 

Jack {whistles). I say, Gaunt, did he leave a will ? 

Gaunt. I don’t know. {Aside to Brag.) Did you ? (Brag 
nods.) Yes, he did. 

Jack. Oh, he did, eh? I wonder if he mentioned me? If he 
didn’t, confound his bones ! I’ll not come to the funeral. But I 
say, Gaunt, can’t you let me have ten dollars from his cash drawer? 
Or you might as well make it twenty, while you are about it {goes 
up L. to safe). What is the combination of his safe? I’ll get it 
myself. 

Gaunt starts toward him. Brag pulls him back. 

Gaunt. I— I don’t know, sir. 

Jack. All right, I suppose I’ll have to wait. I’m going now. 
By the way, Gaunt, I’ll just take that silk hat of his that he bought 
last week/ It fits me nicely and mine is a little shabby. {At D. F. 
Enter Brief, D. F.) 

Brief. Ah, I am so glad (Mrs. Brag and Girls cry). Why, 
what is the matter ? Is he drunk ? 

Jack. No, he is dead. 

Brief {coming down C.). Dead! Impossible. 

Gaunt. Well, he is. As dead as mutton {or introduce local 
name ). 

Brief, This is terrible. 

Mrs. Brag. But think, dear Mr. Brief, he left an insurance 
policy of a hundred and fifty thousand dollars. It helps us to bear 
our grief. 



14 


John Brag, Deceased. 


Brief (R. C.). A hundred and fifty thousand. Pshaw ! A 
mere drop in the bucket in comparison with what I have come to 
offer. 

All. Eh! 

Brief. May I have a chair ? 

Gaunt starts to get one and is pulled back by Brag. 

Gaunt. You get one, Jack. 

Jack. You must be terribly cut up over the old gent’s demise. 

( Brings chair dow7i C. from up R., and goes back of Mrs. 
Brag. 

Brief. ( seating himself R. C.). Ah, thank you. Now, my 
dear madam, I will explain my mission. How little did I think 
that my message of joy would never be heard by my dear friend. 
Ah well ! Such is the uncertainty of life. We never know- 

Jack. I say, Brief, cut it short. Don’t belie your name. 

Brief. Young man, I know that youth is not wont to respect, 
age, but it behoveth you to hear me calmly. My dear madam, 
your husband had a brother. Well, some years ago, he sold what 
he possessed and sailed to Australia, There he engaged in trade 
speculation, and lost every penny. 

Jack. That may be interesting, but where is the climax ? 

Brief. Having failed at that, he went to the mines of South 
Africa, and one day he accidentally came upon a rich deposit of 
ore. A rich deposit of ore, my dear madam ( turns away from 
Mrs Brag). How often great events are the result of chance. 
History is full of them, and [as if recollecting, turns toward her) 
—but I will proceed. He managed to interest some other men in 
the venture ; they bought the mine, and your husband’s brother 
amassed a fortune. A fortune, my dear madam ( turns away). 
How mysteriously Providence acts sometimes ( turns toward her) 
—but I will proceed. At last he bethought himself of his far-away 
home and his brother. ( Turns away.) Even in the midst of 
changing scenes, one’s thoughts will revert to one’s birthplace 
{turns toivard her) —but I will proceed. He sold out his share, 
and made preparations for departure, but alas ! On the day,— 
the very day that he was to sail, he fell sick with a fever, and in a 
week he was dead. Yes, died in a week. 

(Mrs. Brag, Girls, and Jack interested. Brag raises and 
Peefs over Gaunt’s shoulderl) 

Mrs. Brag. And now ? 

Brief, Pray be patient, my dear madam. On inspection of 
his documents it was found that his estate was valued at about 
two hundred thousand pounds ; which if reduced to our money 
values, would amount to nine hundred and sixty odd thousand 
dollars, I used to know the exact tables, but one forgets a great 
deal in one’s life, if one does not refresh one’s memory. 

Jack {aside). I’d like to forget my manners, and throw him 
out. 



John Brag, Deceased. 


*5 


Brief. But I will proceed. Among his effects, was found a 
will, whereby he bequeathed in due form his entire estate to his 
brother, John Brag of New York. ( Cojnmotion .) 

Ruby. How much did you say it was ( excitedly ) ? 

Brief. Two hundred thousand pounds, which, if reduced to 
our,- 

Pearl, Think of it, nearly a million ( delightedly). 

Sapphire. And all ours. 

Brief. Eh, what is that? 

Mrs. Brag. Since my poor dear husband is dead, I suppose 
it will all come to us. What a dear, good man he was. 

Brief. I am not quite so sure as to that. But I have brought 
the papers with me ( takes letter from his pocket). Let me see. 
This is a letter from Boggs & Beard, his attorneys, or barristers, 
as they call them in those foreign parts. “ Dear Sir —it reads : 
“ Our client, Mr. James Brag, lately deceased, left a will in which 
he bequeathed his entire estate, valued at two hundred thousand 
pounds to his brother. John Brag, of New York, if alive,- 

Mrs. Brag. Yes, and if dead ? 

Brief. Let me see—“if alive. And if the said John Brag is 
dead, or cannot be found within the legal time, then, and in that 
event, the estate is to go to a nephew of the testator, one Jack 
Schuyler.” 

JACK. What! [steps back surprised.) 

Mrs. Brag [rising). What! 

Girls (rising). What! (all look at Jack.) 

Brag (throwing himself back on sofa). Oh what a damn fool 
I’ve been. 


CURTAIN, 

Situations at End. Brag on sofa R. Gaunt in front of 
him. Brief seated. Mrs. Brag and Girls stand by their 
chairs, from which they have just risen . Jack up L. C. 
Squills seated at desk L. 




ACT II, 


Scene. Same as Act I. Six months have elapsed since clos¬ 
ing oj Act I. ( The girls discovered on stage at rise of curtain. 
Ruby sits R. of sofa. Pearl seated R. of table. Sapphire 
stands L. near desk arranging her hair with the aid of a hand 
mirror.) 

Sapphire {settingglass on desk). There. I think I am about 
ready. 

Ruby. It is high time that Bonnie was here. 

Pearl, Do you Know, I am glad our mourning is over. It 
was an awful bore. 

Sapphire {seated at desk). But mamma did let us go out 
some. 

Ruby. And we did go on dancing. 

Pearl. But it wasn’t enough fun to suit me. 

Ruby. Well it is over now, thank goodness; and we enter 
society once more to-night, with our little entertainment. 

Sapphire. Won’t it be fine, Bonnie, to dance and sing. 

Pearl. And we will surprise some of the guests too, I im¬ 
agine. 

Sapphire. Jack is going to sing with Miss Chick. 

Ruby, He seems rather sweet on her. 

Pearl. Won’t she be lucky. He is worth a million since he 
got all of Uncle James’ money. 

Sapphire. Which ought to have come to us. 

Ruby. Well it was all papa’s fault for dying so suddenly. If 
he had only waited a few hours longer. 

Pearl. I wonder who will be our stepfather ? 

Ruby. That old legal fossil, Brief, I suppose. He is here 
enough. 

Sapphire. Oh I don’t know, I think old Squills has the best 
show. 

Pearl. Well either will be a nightmare. 

Ruby. Yes indeed. I am glad I’m engaged. 

Pearl. So am I. 

Sapphire. Well I’m not. But I’m going to try and land some¬ 
body to-night. Then I won’t care either. 

Enter Bonnie D. F. she carries dress suit case . 

Girls (rising). Good evening, Bonnie. 

Bonnie. Good evening, girls. Have your guests begun to 
arrive yet ? 


John Brag, Deceased. 


i7 


Ruby. Not yet. 

Bonnie {up C.). Is Mr. Schuyler here. 

Pearl No. 

Bonnie. Then suppose you allow me to lay aside my wraps; 
and we may have time to run over our turn. 

Sapphire. A good idea. I am a little shaky about one part. 

All exit D. L. 

Enter Gaunt D. F. with letter. 

Gaunt {coming down C.) I wonder who this letter can be 
from ? Let me see {opens and reads). “ Dear Gaunt:—After 
travelling in Europe for six months. I think it will be safe for me to 
return to America. I shall probably arrive almost as soon as this 
letter. Expect me ; and remember that I am your half brother. 
Yours as ever, John Brag.” Oh, lord ! Why didn’t he stay longer ? 
Or why didn’t he die? Let’s see. Maybe the steamer went down. 
{goes to desk and picks up newspaper). No. It arrived and he is 
here. Now my troubles begin again. 

(Brag enters D. F. comes down stage and slaps Gaunt on back.) 

Brag. Hello, Artemus, old fellow. It is like Paradise to see 
you again. 

Gaunt {shaking hands). Is it you ? Why, you look just like 
my half-brother. 

Brag. Do I ? So much the better. You see while I was in 
England I took a run up to Scotland, found your half-brother, and 
sized him up. 

Gaunt. Did you speak to him ? 

Brag. No. I merely looked him over, so I could copy him. 
Gaunt. There is only one thing you lack. 

Brag. What is that ? 

Gaunt. Why my brother’s hair is red. Yours is grey. 

Brag. Well, I can get a wig. 

Gaunt {picks up bottle of red ink from desk). No, dye is 
better. Hark ! some one is coming. Here. {Attempts to pour 
ink over Brag’s head. Gets it on his face.) 

Brag {going R.). You blithering idiot. What do you mean ? 
Now look at my head. Look at my face. I m a cross between a 
Hottentot and an Indian. 

Gaunt {pushing him behind a screen , up R.). Hush, some 
one is coming. 

Brag. I don’t care a - (Gaunt places hand over his 

mouth. Enter Mrs. Brag and Brief. D. F. They come 

down C.) . 

Mrs. Brag. It was so good of you to come, dear Mr. Bnet. 

{Seated at R. of table.) 

Brief. Now, don’t try to thank me, my dear madam. I sim¬ 
ply could not keep away. {He gets a chair from back of table, 
and sits close to Mrs. Brag’s side.) 

Mrs. Brag, Oh, Mr. Brief! 



18 


John Brag, Deceased* 


Brief. Tut, tut, What is business, musty, legal business, 
to your bright smile. But don’t interrupt me, my dear madam. I 
have long resolved to speak, and to-night seems the fitting time. 
You see, I have always felt as if you needed a protector. 

Brag {aside). I’m hanged if the old fool isn’t going to pro¬ 
pose. 

Gaunt. Hush! 

Brief. Yes, you have needed a protector, my dear Mrs. Brag, 
ever since the day that your husband died. 

Mrs. Brag. Isn’t it too bad, though, that he didn’t live ? Then 
we might have had all his brother’s money. 

Brief. No. 

Brag. Eh! (Gaunt takes hold of himl) 

Brief. I know it seems cruel to be shut off from the enjoy¬ 
ment of James Brag’s million. But your nephew has generously 
placed half of it at your disposal; and, after all, what is money to 
love ? 

Mrs. Brag. True enough, dear Mr. Brief, what is it ? 

Brief. Aye, it is nothing. [Draws chair closer). And—and 
—er—dear—dear—Serephina. You will let me call you Sere- 
phina, won’t you ? 

Mrs. Brag. Yes, Blackstone, 

Brag {aside). Hold me tight, Gaunt, or I shall burst. 

Brief. Blackstone. Ah, it gives me joy to hear you say that 
{kneels). And now I want to tell you- 

Enter Squills, D. F. He comes down. Mrs. Brag rises, 
and goes C. Brief springs up and goes R.) 

Squills. Ahem! 

Mrs. Brag. Oh, dear Doctor Squills. You here also. 

Brief, {aside). Damn dear Doctor Squills ! 

Squills. Indeed, I am, my dear Mrs. Brag. I said my pa¬ 
tients could wait while I basked for a few hours in the smile of- 

Brief. (R. C). My dear Mrs. Brag, - 

Squills (R. C). In the smile of - 

Brief. My dear Mrs. Brag, had we not better go to the par¬ 
lor? Your guests may be arriving. 

Mrs. Brag. Why, yes, I guess we had. 

Squills. Then allow me {offers arm). 

Brief. Allow me ( offers arm). 

Squills. Mrs. Brag ! 

Brief, Serephina! 

Squills. Eh! {to Brief). 

Brief. Sir! {to Squills.) 

Mrs. Brag. Now, you dear men, don’t get angry. I'll let 
both of you escort me. {She takes the ar?n of each, and they exit 
D. F. Brief and Squills glare at each other over her shoulder , 
as they go uf stage.) 

Brag {stepping from behind screen). At last they are gone. 






John Brag, Deceased. 19 

If that had kept up much longer, I would have jumped out and 
throttled both of them. 

Gaunt {at his side). But remember, Mr. Brag, you are dead. 

Brag. Am I ? Well, perhaps I am, but I’ll be everlastingly 
jiggered if I’ll stand by and see two such fools make love to my 
wife. 

Gaunt. It is all right. Let me take you to my room and 
wash you up. 

Brag. Go ahead then, But there is trouble brewing for some¬ 
body. 

(Brag andG aunt exit D. R. Enter Bonnie and Girls, D. L.) 

Ruby. You certainly do look pretty to-night, Bonnie. 

Pearl. Yes, indeed. I don’t blame Jack for falling in love 
with you. 

Bonnie. Hush, here he comes. {Enter Jack, D. F. Bonnie 
aud Girls grouped down L.) 

Jack. Hello, girls. I’m here at last, although I thought that 
I never would. The Paris arrived this afternoon, and I went 
down to meet an old friend. There was a fellow aboard, a Scotch¬ 
man, I think, who said his name was McGurk. Funny name, 
isn’t it ? But the joke was, that he asked me where Mr. Brag 
lived. 

Pearl. Mr. Brag! 

Ruby. Did he mean us ? 

Jack. I don’t know. He said he was a relative of some ser¬ 
vant. I didn’t stop to inquire. Hadn’t the time, you know. I 
gave him a jolly and left. 

N. B. If it is not intended to use specialties , the following 
lines , etc., may be cut out. Otherwise to go on from here. 

Ruby. Well, we are glad you arrived. We want to hear that 
song and see your dance. 

Jack. Ladies first always. Let us have your turn. 

Pearl, Come on then, girls, 

(The girls do a dance. BONNIE and JACK seated R.) 

Jack. Good ! That will be the hit of the evening. 

Ruby. And now yours. 

Bonnie. Have we the time ? 

Sapphire. Yes, if you hurry. 

Bonnie. Very well. 

Jack and Bonnie do song and dance or other turn. 

(N. B. If specialties are not used , play continues from here.) 

Ruby. Come now, girls, it is quite time that we were in the 
parlor. Mamma will be wondering what has detained us. {Oirls 
go up.) 

Pearl. We will find you in the conservatory when your turn 
comes, Bonnie. 

Bonnie. Yes, I’ll be there. (Girls exit D. F. Jack and 
Bonnie down C.) 


20 


John Brag, Deceased. 


Bonnie {to Jack). Well, sir ? 

Jack. Yes, well. You know what I would say. How much 
longer have I to wait before you will name the day ? 

Bonnie. Oh, you are a dreadful fellow. 

Jack {embracing her). You don’t mean that. Come, Bonnie, 
let us quit fooling and get married. 

Bonnie {strikes attitude). 

To marry or not to marry, 

That is the question. 

Whether ’tis better in the mind to contemplate 
The joys and sorrows of wedded bliss; 

Or take the arms of an ardent lover, 

And, by accepting, begin them. 

To accept. To wed. No more. 

And by a wedding say we end 
Our days of single blessedness. 

Independence, flirting, champagne, 

And all the extras that poor flesh indulges. 

’Tis not a consummation devoutly to be wished. 

To accept. To wed. 

To wed, perchance to regret. Aye, there is the rub. 

For in that grim estate of matrimony, 

What trials may come, when we 
Have shuffled off our single blessedness. 

For who would bear the servant question, 

The overbearing husband and the squalling children; 

When she herself might her quietus take 
With a Dakota divorce ? 

Who would scorn the ardent lover’s fervent pictures, 

But that the dread of something after marriage,— 

That oft-discovered country, 

From whose bourne so many disappointed travellers return, 
Discourages the heart, 

And makes us rather bear the peace we have. 

Than fly to a chimera that we know not of. 

Thus prudence doth make cowards of us all, 

And many matches of great pith and moment, 

With this regard have only come to naught. 

Jack. Very good but- 

(Bonnie breaks away from him and runs L.) 

Bonnie. Jack, old fellow. Meet me in the gardens to-morrow 
morning. That will be according to traditions. “ Meet me ’neath 
the drooping willow tree,” dear boy, “ and I will say thee yea or 
nay.” [She runs off at D. L. laughing.) 

Jack. If I didn’t love her so, I would curse. {Exit D. L.) 
Enter Brief and Squills D. F. They come down stage, ges¬ 
ticulating as they come. This scene must be well worked up. 
Both are exceedingly angry. 



2 1 


John Brag;, Deceased. 

Squills. And now, sir, that we are alone, perhaps you will 
explain your infernal impudence this evening. 

Brief. I was about to remark something similar, myself. 

Squills. Me ? What have I done ? 

Brief. And what have I ? 

Squills. You insulted me, sir. 

Brief. Nonsense. You, sir, interrupted a conversation with 
Serephina. 

Squills. I interrupted a conversation with Serephina, did I ? 
Well, if I did, I’m glad of it. What right have you - 

Brief. And what right have you- 

Squills. You are an old fool. 

Brief. And you are a hopeless idiot. 

Squills. Sir! 

Brief. Sir! 

Squills. Have a care, sir, or I shall forget that you are an 
old man. 

Brief. I, old ! Tush ! Pshaw ! That is a coward’s excuse. 
For a penny I’d- 

Squills. You would, eh? What? 

Brief. I’d strike you ( raises arm threateningly). 

Squills. You’d strike me ? YOU’D STRIKE ME, WOULD 
YOU? Why, you poor, measly, withered-up old cornstalk. I’d 
eat you up if you laid your hands on me. 

Brief. You’d—YOU’D—Y-O-U-’D- 

Squills. Yes, I’d, I-’D—I—’D- 

Brief. Have a care yourself, sir, or I shall lose sight of the 
fact that I am a gentleman and a member of the bar. 

Squills. Gentleman and member of the bar. Ha, ha. 
What bar ? Now see here—( shakes his finger at Brief). 

Brief. Don’t point your finger at me, or I will give you a 
chance to try some of your surgical skill on yourself, old saw¬ 
bones. 

Squills. What, insult my profession. You—YOU- 

Brief. Go on, you old back-number pill-mixer. 

Squills. Really I cannot find words in the English language, 
to express my contempt for you. 

Brief {turns and walks L., hands behind him shaking his coat¬ 
tails). Try Latin then. Some of that hog latin that you write 
your prescriptions in. 

Squills. Oh, this is unbearable, 

Brief {back to C.). That is right, and it has got to be stopped. 
I’ll not have any old fool meddling in my affairs. 

Squills. Your affairs ? I’d have you know- 

Brief. And I’d have you know- 

BRIEF \ What ? 

Squills ( v nd ‘ 

Enter Brag and Gaunt D. R., Brag now has red wig on. 










22 


John Brag, Deceased* 


Gaunt. Good evening, gentlemen. Let me introduce my 
half-brother, Donald McGurk, of Scotland. 

Squills (C.). Good evening, sir. But pray, my good Artemus, 
don’t call that fellow a gentleman. 

Brief (L. C.), I would have you understand, Mr. McGurk, 
that he is mistaken. It is he, not I, who is no gentleman. 

Brag ( coming slowly down C., Gaunt behind him). What is 
the matter with the two of you ? 

Squills. You see, sir, I- 

Brief. It was this way - 

( They gradually draw nearer Brag and each oilier.) 

Squills. I was insulted by- 

Brief. He insulted me, and - 

(Brag catches each by the neck and knocks their heads together.) 

Brag. Confound you both. 

Squills \ Sir ! ^ drawin S away). 

Brag. I know all about it. You are a pair of scoundrels. 

Squills. Sir, I never allow anybody to call me a scoundrel. 

Brief. And I, sir, am in the habit of visiting summary chas¬ 
tisement on any one who-- 

Brag. Oh, go to the devil! 

Gaunt. Donald, do be calm ( hand on Brag’s shoulder). 

Squills. Mr. McGurk, I demand satisfaction. 

Brief. Mr. McGurk, I insist on reparation. 

Brag ( throwing off his coat. If he has on highland costume , 
he throws sash over shoulder). All right, come on. It would do 
me good to whip the two of you. 

Brief. Sir, it may be the custom in your barbaric country to 
fight in a lady’s parlor, but— 

Squills. Exactly, but in this enlightened land, the field of 
honor,— 

Brief. Just so, the field of honor. 

Brag. The field of honor ? Ho. ho, ho. Very well, the field 
of honor. 

Squills, Pistols at sunrise, sir. 

Brief. Pistols at sunrise, sir. 

Brag. Pistols and pistols at sunrise, sir. Good. Just make a 
note of, U, brother Artemus. Be sure and call me early, for I 
wouldn t miss meeting these honorable gentlemen for the world. 

Squills. You may expect me ( going up C ). 

Brief. And me also (going up L. C. ). 

?™ G - Never fear, I shall be there. (Brief and Squills 
exit D. F. ) 

Well, well. I haven’t felt so good since I’ve been dead. 

('Brag puts on his coat.) 

Gaunt. Eh ! 

Brag. Oh you slow dog ( going L.J. You never see a joke. 







2 3 


John Brag, Deceased* 

But steady now, Gaunt. Here comes my wife. ( Enter Mrs. 
Brag, D. L.) 

Mrs. Brag. Artemus, where is, —oh a stranger ! 

Gaunt. Er—that is,—yes. This is my half-brother, Donald 
McGurk, of Scotland. 

Mrs. Brag. Of Scotland ? How lovely. That is where they 
play bagpipes, wear kilts and show their bare knees. 

Brag. Well, I cannot say as to the last. 1 haven’t seen much 
of it. I only wore these to remind Artemus of home. 

(N. B.— Last line to be cut out if Brag does not wear 
kilts.) 

Mrs. Brag. Haven’t seen much of it ? Why bless you, 
Scotchmen always wear kilts on the stage and in books. 

Brag. Perhaps they do. But that is as near as they get to it 
in this day and age. 

Mrs. Brag. Dear me ; how sad. I think it looks ever so 
much more romantic than pants, (sits R of table.) You see I 
am in a romantic mood to-night. 

Brag. —Indeed. (Sits near her in chair occupied formerly by 
Brief.) 

Mrs. Brag. Yes. I have had two proposals of marriage this 
evening. (Brag starts.) Why what is the matter? 

Brag. Nothing at all. Go on. 

Mrs. Brag. And the truth is, I don't know 7 which to accept. 
One is a nice ;—a very nice old doctor. He attended my late hus¬ 
band, and has been so kind to me ever since. The other is a law 7 - 
yer. Think of it, tw r o professional men. Isn’t it romantic? 
(Gaunt up stage, near D. F. alternately watches them and gazes 
off stage). 

Brag. Yes, devilishly so, considering,—er I mean; yes, of 
course it is. 

Mrs. Brag. I thought you would appreciate it. The Scotch 
are so romantic. Do you know 7 , I am just a bit Scotch myself, 

so w r e are like brother and sister. . . 

Brag (ciside). If I don t look out, I shall get mixed in my re- 

lations w 7 ith this w-oman. , , ,, 

Mrs. Brag. This other, the lawyer, was my late husband s 

legal adviser. Poor man ; he died just before a legacy came rom 
his brother, wffn’ch w 7 e didn’t get, because he was dead. 1 never 
quite forgave him for dying so suddenly. 

BRAG (aside). Neither did he. . 

Mrs. Brag. Well I’ve got both of them, and oh it is so ro¬ 
mantic. Sometimes I think I should like, to go to court, and hear 
my husband plead a case ; and sometimes I think I would rather 
go wuth him to help the poor, suffering sick. I really don t know 
which to take, and they are awfully jealous of each other. 1 have 
a fear that they will do each other some injury. 

Brag. Have no fear on that score. I’ll attend to that. 


24 


John Brag, Deceased. 

Mrs. Brag. Oh, will you indeed. What a dear good man you 
are. And who would you advise me to marry ? 

Brag. Neither, until to-morrow. Then if either asks you—■ 
why take him {rises and goes R, aside). But hang me if I will 
give them the chance. 

Mrs. Brag. You are a very considerate gentleman, sir. Most 
Scotchmen are. 

Brag. Oh don’t mention it. I shall be only too happy to ar¬ 
range the affair with those,—those gentlemen. 

Gaunt ( upstage near D. F.). I think some one is calling you, 
Mrs. Brag. 

Mrs. Brag {rising). I suppose they are. I am quite the 
belle of the evening. My daughters are not thought of, poor 
girls. Yes, I will go. Won’t you join us, Mr. McGurk ? We are 
to have a little entertainment. Mr. Schuyler, my nephew, will sing. 
My daughters will dance. So will Miss Chick— 

Brag. Who ? 

Mrs. Brag. Bonnie Chick, the celebrated dancer. She is,— 
well, I guess my nephew is in love with her. 

BraG {aside). The young villain ! 

Mrs. Brag. Won’t you come? 

Brag. Yes, I will be there presently. 

Mrs Brag {going iip C). Do, I know you will enjoy it. So 
different from bagpipes and the Highland fling, you know. (Exits 
D. F. Gaunt comes down C.) 

Brag {gazing after her). And that is my wife {dow?i C 
with Gaunt). I say, Gaunt, this is certainly a great home-com¬ 
ing for me. 

Gaunt. Yes, sir. Things are terribly mixed. 

Brag. So they are ; and there is only one way out of it. 

Gaunt. Is there any way, sir ? 

Brag. Yes, there is one. 

Gaunt. Oh, I see, you will go away again. 

Brag. Um’m’rn, well, I wasn’t thinking of that. Yes, perhaps 
I will. But I’ll kill those two old fools before I do. 

Gaunt {excitedly). Good lord, sir, you wouldn’t do that ? 

Brag. Wouldn’t I ? Confound it, I would take great pleasure 
in doing it. They are the cause of the whole trouble. If Squills 
hadn’t been such an old fool, he would have insisted on making an 
examination. Then he would have found out that I was not dead, 
And if that infernal old attorney had only arrived half an hour 
sooner, 1 wouldn’t have had to die. Yes, they are to blame, 
and I’ll pepper both of them ; hang me, if I don’t. But just 
make my excuses to my dear wife. I could not stand seeing them 
about her. I’m goingtobed. {Exits D. R.) 

Gaunt (C. wringmg his hands). Oh Lord; what shall I do? 
I wish I was dead. There is sure to be more trouble come from 
this very unpleasant affair, and I feel as if I should faint if anything 
else turned up. 


2 5 


John Brag, Deceased. 

(Enter Jack D. F.) 

Jack. Ah, here you are, Gaunt ! I’m glad I’ve found you. I 
have a pleasant surprise for you. 

Gaunt. I hope it is, sir. I haven’t been having pleasant sur¬ 
prises lately. 

Jack. Well this one will be. I met him at the pier, but I 
didn’t know then who he was, or I would have brought him along. 
But he has found his way here. Come right in, sir. 

{Enter McGurk , D. F.) 

McGurk {Coming down stage with hands outstretched). 
Brother. Don’t you know 7ne ? 

Gaunt. Good lord ! The very worst has happened. 

{He staggers forward and falls limp i7i McGurk’s ar?ns. 
JACK R looks at both in surprise .) 

CURTAIN. 


ACT III. 


Scene. Garden. Entrance R. and L. Upper ; R. and L. 2 d, 
and R. and L. 1 st. Rustic seats near R. and L. I. E. 

McGURK discovered asleep on rustic seat L. As curtain rises 
he stretches two or three times, then rolls off on ground. 
Sits up ; rubbi7ig his eyes. 

McGurk. I hardly know whether I am awake or dreaming. 
Let me see, I am Donald McGurk, only son of Micah and Sus¬ 
annah McGurk, of Edinboro, Scotland. ( Picks up his cap or hat 
and examines it.) Yes, there is my name on the inside of my hat, 
{takes piece of money from pocket) and here is a sovereign I 
haven’t had changed yet. I came to this blasted country to see my 
half brother Artemus Gaunt, who lives in the family of a Mr. John 
Brag, Yes, that’s right too. {takes letter from pocket) Here is 
his last letter in which he says that Mr. Brag is dead {takes out 
another piece of money) ; and here is an American dollar. Yes, I’m 
in America. Now let me think. I got off the steamer and I met 
a young man who gave me some directions. I followed them and 
got lost. The cussed fellow must have been guying me. Then I 
inquired again and was shown here. I came, and, strangely 
enough, the first one that I meet is that same fresh young man. 
I told him who I wanted to see, and he led me into a grand house, 
and I saw my half brother. Yes, I’m sure I saw him ; but I’m a 
little mixed as to what happened after that. Let me see. He 
almost fainted at sight of me. I remember that. Then he re¬ 
covered, and told me to fly. That this was no place for me. 
When I demanded an explanation, he pushed me out of the house, 
and told me he would see me to-day. Yes, that is about all that I 
remember ; except that I didn’t sleep very well out here. But I 
cannot understand it at all, and what is more, I ain’t going to wait 
for him to come and see me. I’ll just wait about here until the 
folks are up, and then I’ll go and see him. {Rises to feet a?id exits 
R. U. E.) 

{Enter Bonnie L. U. E. Music .) 

Bonnie {coming dow7i L.). Ah me. I wonder if he is here 
{looks about). No. Is this how he keeps a tryst. He cannot 
love me much, or he would have been here ere now. Perhaps, 
though, the big lazy fellow has overslept himself {sits 071 rustic seat 
L.) And I shall tell him—what ? ’Tishard to give up one’s indepen- 


John Bragf, Deceased, 


2 7 


dence, and leave the stage, and—and, get married. Ugh ! It 
seems as if one were growing old to speak of marriage. And yet, 
—and yet. Oh, you poor miserable Bonnie. You cannot deny it. 
After dallying with half the men in town and snapping your fingers 
at the little god, he has at last pierced your heart, and,—and I 
love him. Yes I love him, and that settles it. 

(Enter Brag R. 2 E. He conies down R.) 

Brag. I wonder if those fire eaters have arrived yet ? No, 
Hum. Evidently their ardor has cooled. No matter. I’ll find a 
way to—( discovers Bonnie). Hello, Miss Chick ! 

Bonnie. Sir? 

Brag ( Crosses to L.). What are you doing here ? 

Bonnie. I might reasonably ask the same question ; and add, 
who are you ? 

Brag. Don’t you know me ? 

Bonnie (rising). I can’t say that I do. Are you some old 
flame of mine ? 

Brag. Sit down. ( They both sit L.) Do you remember John 
Brag ? 

Bonnie. Indeed I do. He has been dead and buried these 
six months. 

Brag. Suppose I were to say that he was not dead ? 

Bonnie. I would say that you were crazy or drunk. 

Brag (removing wig). Bonnie. (Bonnie rises, screams and 
runs R. 

Brag (following her). Hush. Do you want to arouse the 
neighborhood ? 

Bonnie. No, but,- 

Brag. You wonder how I am here, eh ? 

Bonnie. Do the dead come back ? You are either a ghost or 
an impostor. 

Brag. I am neither, Bonnie. I could not help disclosing my¬ 
self to you. Will you keep it a secret if I tell you all about it ? 

Bonnie. I’m afraid you are taking me for a come-on. 

Brag. Not at all. Swear to keep it a secret, and I’ll,- 

Bonnie. Oh yes. I’ll swear. 

Brag. Then come. Let us go to the summer house, and I’ll 
tell you an interesting story. 

Bonnie. All right, go ahead. (Brag goes up R.) (aside) 
There is something wrong here, that’s sure. I’ll just see what it is. 
Both exit R. U. E. 

(Enter Jack L. U. E. He roes zip C. and razes R. after Brag 

and Bonnie.) 

Jack. Oh the false woman. She makes an appointment with 
me, and then flirts with another man under my very nose. And 
by Jove ! it is that half brother of Gaunt’s, Donald McGurk. The 
Scotch villain, he dares to start such a game when he hasn’t been 
here twenty-four hours. I’ll smash that thistle face of his, hang 




28 John Brag, Deceased* 

me if I don’t. ( Goes R. and gazes off'. Enter BRIEF R. I. E.and 
Squills L. I. E.) 

Squills. Ah, you are here. 

Brief. Yes, I’m here. 

Squills. Where is that scoundrel ? 

Brief. He evidently hasn’t arrived yet. 

Squills. Oh—er—hello! I’ve forgotten my pistols. 

Brief. So have I. 

Squills. I say, Schuyler, that’s a good fellow, will you just 
step to my room and get my revolvers ? 

Brief. And get mine also, Mr Schuyler. 

Jack (coming down C). What is the meaning of this ? 

Squills. Why you see—er- 

Brief. A little target practice. 

Squills. Just so, a little target practice. 

Jack. You must be devoted to the art, to get up at this 
unseemly hour to take target practice. (Exits R. I. E.) 

Squills. I wonder where he is ? 

Brief. No doubt he has considered my temper. 

Squills. Your temper. Ha, ha, ha. My temper, you mean. 
Brief. Nonsense. He will eat you alive. 

Squills. Bah ! He would have hard work to hit you, you 
tremble so. 

Brief. Sir, you are a liar. 

Squills. Sir you are another. 

Brief. When I have settled with him, I’ll settle with you. 
Squills. Exactly, exactly (turns L. and stops extreme L.). 
That is, if there is any of you left. 

Enter McGurk R. U. E . 

Brief. Ah here he is now (aside). Confound it! 

Squills. Yes, here he is now (aside). I wish he hadn’t come. 
McGurk (coming down C). Well, gentlemen, what can 
I do ? 

Squills. My pistols will be here in a moment. 

Brief. So will mine, sir. 

McGurk. Your pistols ? Gentlemen, I— 

Squills. Yes, sir. Then we can settle our little matter. 
Brief. Just so, our little matter. 

McGurk. But what do you mean ? 

Squills. Ah ! trying to take water, eh ? No, no. (Both 
blustery .) 

Brief. Not a bit of it. You have got to settle with us (Enter 
Jack R. i. E. with four pistols. He gives two each to Brief 
and Squills then discovers McGurk.) 

Jack. Hello : you are just the man I want. 

McGurk. Eh ! 

Squills. Have you a debt to settle also ? 

Brief. He insulted us last night. 



2 9 


John Brag, Deceased. 

Jack. He did, eh ? Well, he insulted me this morning. How 
dare you flirt with my affianced wife ? 

McGurk. Gentlemen, are you all crazy ? 

Squills. Crazy ! You dare to call me crazy. 

Brief. You are daft yourself. 

Jack. Well, I’ll knock a little sense into him if he is. 

Enter Gaunt R. 2 . E. He stops in amazement. 

Gaunt. Good lord. 

McGurk. Ah, Artemus ; save me from these lunatics. 

I Ltmatics ' SIR ! 

Gaunt. On Lord ; what’s the matter ? 

Squills. You know what is the matter. He insulted us last 
night. 

Brief. And agreed to meet us on the field of honor this 
morning. 

Squills. Just so, the field of honor. 

McGurk. I didn’t; did I, brother? 

Brief {to Squills). Brother. You hear that, 

Squills. Exactly. The same. 

Gaunt. No, no. He is not my brother,—er that is—I mean 
that he is not the man who,— 

Squills. Nonsense! 

Brief. Pshaw ! 

Squills. Don’t try to shield him, Gaunt. I’m bound to 
have his heart. 

Brief. And I, sir, will spill his blood. 

Gaunt {excitedly). Good Lord ! 

McGurk. Artemus, tell me, is this a private asylum ? 

Squills. Private asylum ! Don’t, don’t drive me too far, sir. 
Brief. And me, sir. 

Squills. Come. Here is your weapon {offers pistol). 

Brief. And here is yours, sir. ( They offer pistols to McGurk. 
Enter Brag R. U. E. All start back. Tableau.) 

Position,— 


/ BRAG. 

/ McG. 

/— JACK. 

/ BF. GG. 




30 


John Brag, Deceased. 


Squills. Eh, two of them ? 

Brief. What is the meaning of this ? 

Brag ^ Gaunt). Great Jumping Jupiter! it is your 

brother. 

Gaunt. Yes ; what shall we do? 

Squills. Explain, sir. 

Brief. Exactly. Explain, sir. 

Brag (R. C.). What is the matter here? I am Donald 
McGurk ; Artemus Gaunt’s half brother from Scotland. 

McGurk. You are ? Then who in the name of thunder am 
I? 


Brag. An impostor begone ! 

McGurk. But I demand ;— 

Brag. Here, Mr. Schuyler, throw that vagabond out. He is 
trying to fool you as my douole. 

Jack. I’ll do so with pleasure, sir. I saw him with my 
affianced wife this morning. 

McGurk. Me ! 

Jack. Yes, you. Come, don’t contradict. 

McGurk. But I tell you,— 

Jack. Out you go, and if you dare to come back, I’ll have you 
arrested. ( He catches McGurk by the collar and pushes him off 
R. U. E.) 


Brag (C). Now, gentlemen, let us settle our little affair. 
Who is first ? 

Squills (< anxiously >). I—er—that is— 

Brief (ditto). Well—er—you see— 

Brag (briskly). Speak up, speak up. Don’t keep me 
waiting. 


Squills. Mr. Brief; you are the elder. 

Brief. Dr. Squills ; it has always been a rule of my life to 
give way to others. 

Squills. Don’t say a word, sir. Go ahead. 

Brag. You are both cowards. 

Squills. ) CTr) , 

Brief. \* 

Brag. I have said it. Shall I repeat it ? Cowards. 

Squills. Enough. I am ready. 

Brief. So am I. 

Squills. I demand the first chance. 

Brief. But I insist on my rights. 

Squills. Nonsense. 

Brief. Pshaw. 

Brag. Here, give me the pistols (takes one from each). 
Now you get over there (points R. with pistol , Brief dodges 
and goes R.). And you over there (points L. with pistol. 
Squills dodges and goes L.). Now I’ll settle the two at once. 
Artemus, will you please give the word ? 


3 1 


John Brag;, Deceased. 

(Situations. Brief R., Squills L., Brag C., Gaunt up 
C.) N. B. Each time GAUNT says “one” the others half raise 
their pistols, at “ Two ” they aim. Each time he breaks in, the 
pistols are all lowered. 

Gaunt. Oh—er—that is—yes, sir. 

Brag. Ready, gentlemen. Go ahead, brother. 

Gaunt. One—er, oh lord—two— er-- Can’t this thing be 
arranged. 

Squills. Why, as to that; of course if—if— 

Brief. If—if—we can— 

Brag. Not a bit of it. We fight. 

Squills. Exactly—we—fight. 

Brief. Just so, we—fight. 

Gaunt. Oh lord—er—one—er—two—e— r —suppose some¬ 
body gits hurt ? 

Squills. Ugh, don’t mention it. 

Brief. Why if—if—somebody gets hurt,— 

Brag {angrily). They will get hurt of course ; and if some¬ 
body gets hurt, they'll get killed. 

Squills. Exactly,—they’ll—get—killed. 

Brief. J-j—just s-s-s— o, they’ll get killed. 

Gaunt. Oh lord,—er—one,—er—two,—er—, shall I say 
three ? 

Brag. Yes, and be quick about it {very angrily). 

Squills. E —r— exactly. 

Brief. Y—e—s—, just so. 

Gaunt. One—, oh dear. Two—, oh—oh—. Threeeeee— 
e—r—, e—r—. {pause) Fire ! 

{At the word, fire Brag steps back and lowers his weapons. 
Squills and Brief fire at each other and fall. 

CURTAIN. . 

Situations,— 

Brief lies R. Squills lies L. Brag stands C. with folded 
arms. Gaunt up C., wringing his hands. 


ACT IV. 


Scene —Same as Act II. Jack enters D. L. as curtain rises. 

Jack (coming down C.). Well, well, well. To say that we are 
in a pretty muss, doesn’t begin to describe it. My worthy uncle, 
John Brag, not dead, but very much alive. And after all these 
months. ’Gad. If I hadn’t seen him, and proved it, I wouldn’t 
have believed it. (Sits R. of table). It was a neat thing of Bon¬ 
nie to tell me, although hang me if I believed her. But when I 
went to him and demanded the proof,—well, I got it, although he 
tried to deny it at first. And now, what is to be done ? Of course 
it will get out, and the insurance company will be after him. Con¬ 
found it all; if it isn’t a devil of a mix-up ! (Brag looks in D. R.) 

Brag. Anybody here, Jack ? (Jack rises.) 

Jack. No, uncle. Come right in. (Brag enters.) 

Brag. But I am so afraid that the insurance company may get 
wind of it. 

Jack (C). Of course they will. It is bound to occur sooner or 
later. 

Brag (C). Heavens ! What shall I do ? 

Jack. Well, there is only one way out of it so far as I can see. 

Brag. Good. I’ll take any chance. Only let me get out of 
this hole, and I will quit New York, aye and America too, forever. 

Jack. Just what I was going to suggest. See your wife. Ex¬ 
plain to her and her daughters. Then get your things together, 
and skip. There is a steamer sails to-day. 

Brag. But the insurance company. They will follow me, 

Jack. No, they won’t. Once they get their money back, they 
will not trouble you. I will attend to that. 

Brag. Jack, my boy, you are an angel. {Hands on Jack’s 
shoulder.) 

Jack. Yes, that is what all the girls used to call me. 

Brag. And what will you do ? 

Jack. I ? Oh, I’ll get married perhaps, But never mind that 
now. Brace up and see your wife. 

Brag. I will {shaking Jack’s hand). Jack, you have made 
me feel ten years younger. 

Jack. Don’t mention it, but go. (Brag exits D. R.) Now I 
begin to see my way clear. {Enter Sneeker I). F.) Hello. Who 
is this, I wonder. 

Sneek {coming down C). I am a detective, C. Sneeker, of the 
Central Office. 


John Brag, Deceased. 


33 


Jack {aside). The devil. {Aloud) Indeed. Most pleased to 
see you, Mr. Sneeker. Pray be seated and have a cigar. (Sneek- 
ER seated R. of table. He accepts offered cigar, examines it 
carefully , then lights it.) And now, sir, what can I do for you ? 

Sneek. Well, to be brief, the Endowment Insurance Company 
paid a death claim some months ago on the life of one John Brag. 

Jack. That is correct. He was my uncle. 

Sneek. So I understand. Well, sir, to-day we received word 
that they have a suspicion that he did not die. 

Jack {aside). What shall I do? {aloud) Indeed! That is 
very strange. 

Sneek. Yes, very. Still it is not the first time that such tricks 
have been played. Now I am here to see what you know of it. 

Jack. Me! I—er—that is—I know nothing. 

Sneek {sneeringly). You look it. 

Jack. The fact is—well I would advise you to see his widow, 
Mrs. Brag. Just step in here, and I will call her. 

Sneek {rising). Very well. But no attempt to flimflam me, 
remember. 

Jack. Oh dear no. {Leads Sneeker to D. L. and he exits.) 

Jack {comes down stage and sits R. of table). Flames and 
furies. I began to think that we were out of the woods, but from 
present indications, we have just entered them. He will question 
her and maybe search the house. Oh if I could only throw him 
off the scent for a day or two, they could sail away, and I would 
settle with the company. 

Enter McGURK, D. F. He comes down C., shaking a long club 
which he carries. 

Jack. Ah, more trouble. It never rains but it pours. 

McGurk. Now, sir, I want to see you. 

Jack {rising). To see me ? 

McGurk. Yes, to see you. I came to this infernal country to 
see my half-brother, Artemus Gaunt; but I find him in a lunatic 
asylum as crazy as the rest. 

Jack. Go on. This is interesting. 

McGurk. I came here, and was pushed out, almost thrown 
out, and that by my own relative. I came back this morning, and 
fall in with a crazy set who want me to fight. They said I had 
insulted them, when I never saw them before. My poor brother 
stood by, the dupe of the rascals, and made no sign. Then, 
strange as it may seem, a living double of myself appeared, who 
even claimed the name my own mother gave me, and at his word, 
you—you sir, forcibly eject me from the grounds. I have been 
insulted and assaulted until I’m sick, and now I’m here to demand 
satisfaction, or by thunder, I’ll take it out of your hide. 

JACK {aside). I have an idea. {Aloud) My dear sir, pray be 
seated. {He seats McGurk R.) You really deserve satisfaction, 
and you shall have it. I’ll see about it in a moment. {Hegoes to 


34 


John Brag, Deceased* 


D. L. and motions Sneeker in. He takes the detective's arm 
and leads him down L. Speaks in a confidential tone.) 

Jack. All you have guessed is only too true, my dear sir. We 
had hoped to keep it a secret, since the poor man really didn’t 
mean it. But it will be better if he is in the State’s care. 

Sneek. What do you mean ? 

Jack. I mean that my poor uncle was buried alive while in a 
catalepsy. He returned to consciousness, and managed to get out 
of the vault, but the terrible shock was too much. It turned his 
brain, and he is a hopeless lunatic. There he is. ( Points to Mc- 
Gurk. Sneeker crosses to R.) 

Sneek. My dear sir. 

McGurk. Eh ? 

Sneek. It is all right. Have no fear. Come along with me, 
and we- 

McGurk. Who are you ? 

Sneek. Your friend, Mr. Brag. 

McGurk. Mr. Brag? I’m not Mr. Brag. I am Donald Mc¬ 
Gurk of Scotland, half brother of Artemus Gaunt. 

Jack. That is his illusion, Mr. Sneeker. He believes that he 
is the half brother of his private secretary. 

McGurk (rises). W-h—a-1! WHAT ! ! (in great aston- 

ishment). 

Sneek. There, there. It is all right. Come along with me. 
(Places a hand on his arm.) 

McGurk. I won’t. 

Sneek. Oh, yes you will. Remember, Mr. Brag, you are 
guilty of a crime which I have no doubt the law will overlook, 
But you will have to come with me. 

McGurk. I tell you I won’t. I am Donald McGurk. 

Sneek. I am a detective, and I arrest you. 

McGurk. You idiot. Are you crazy like the rest ? 

Sneek. No, you are the only daft one here. Come. (Catches 
McGurk by the shoulder.) 

McGurk (striking him). You fool, you—you— 

Sneek. Here, Mr. Scnuyler, assist me. (Sneeker and Jack 
struggle with McGurk, who is finally handcuffed , and led up 
stage by the detective. 

McGurk. Oh, somebody shall pay dear for all this. Why, oh 
why did I leave bonnie Scotland for this God-forsaken country. 

(He is led off at D. F. by Sneezer.) 

Jack (dances about stage). I feel like shouting. At last the 
road seems clear. It will take them a few days to investigate his 
story. In the mean time we can get things straightened out, and 
Brag will be on the deep. (Enter Gaunt, D. R.) Good after¬ 
noon, Artemus. 

Gaunt (R. C.). Have you seen anything of my half- 
brother ? 




John Brag, Deceased* 35 

Jack (C.). Please be explicit, Artemus. Which half-brother 
do you mean ? 

Gaunt. Sir, I- 

Jack. Just so. Do you mean your real half-brother ; or your 
half-brother, late employer, half-brother ? 

Gaunt ( excitedly ). Good lord, sir, do you know ? 

Jack. I do. Now your real half-brother is in the hands of the 
law. 

Gaunt. Good lord, sir, what for ? 

Jack. Well,—for not staying home and minding his own busi¬ 
ness. Now see here, Artemus ( tapping his arm confidentially'), 
the jig is up. The police are on to the game, and are playing 
mighty lively. Mr. Brag is getting ready to sail. Likewise Mrs. 
B. and the girls. They may need your help. 

Gaunt. But my half-brother ? 

Jack. Oh don’t worry about him. He will come out all right 
in the end. 

Gaunt. But sir, I believe you have played some trick on him. 

Jack. What if I have ? It will save your skin. 

Gaunt. Mine ? What have I done ? 

Jack. How dull you are to-day. Who was it who aided and 
abetted John Brag, in his successful attempt to defraud the Endow¬ 
ment Insurance Company? 

Gaunt. Good lord, sir ( frightened) ! 

Jack. Ah, you see the point, do you ? Quite right. It would 
not be conducive to good health for you to fall into the hands of 
the law. 

Gaunt. What shall I do ? 

Jack. Just what I have told you to. 

Gaunt. All right, sir, I shall go immediately if not sooner. 
{Exits hurriedly D. R.) 

Jack. I feel like some general, directing his victorious army. 
But I do wish Bonnie would come. {Exits D. L.— e?iter Brief 
and SQUILLS D. Y.with arms and head bandaged. They come 
down C. slowly. Music. 

Brief. Well ? 

Squills. Well ? 

Brief (C.). You look as if you had lately interviewed a mule. 

Squills. And you look as if you had been through a thresh¬ 
ing machine. 

Brief. Ah, you take advantage of me, now that I am incapa¬ 
citated from repaying your insults. 

Squills. Hum. You seem to lose sight of the fact that I am 

slightly jammed up myself. 

Brief. Well, whose fault was it? 

Squills. Yours, sir. 

Brief NIine, sir ? 

Squills. Yes, yours. Didn’t you fire at me and riddle me 



3 6 


John Brag, Deceased* 


with bullets? I’m perforated, sir, perforated. 1 shall probably die 
of my injuries ; and then,- 

Brief. Oh nonsense. I didn’t fire at you. I fired at Brag. 

Squills. At Brag ! 

Brief. Yes at Brag, John Brag. Who has tried to fool the 
law all these months. But virtue and the majesty of justice is at 
last triumphant, and he will get his just reward. 

Squills. And do you mean to say that John Brag is alive, sir ? 

Brief. I do. 

Squills. And it was he whom we fought ? 

Brief. It was, sir, 

Squills {confused). Then—then—er that is—Mrs. Brag is 
not a widow ? 

Brief {starts). Eh? Um’m’m’m’m—er—she is not, sir. 

Squills. Then, Blackstone, what the devil are we quarrelling 
about ? 

Brief. Damn if I know, Cerephus. 

Squills. Let’s shake. 

Brief. Let’s. {Comic business as they try to shake hands.) 

Squills. You are a noble, courageous man, my dear sir ; and 
I am proud to call you my friend. 

Brief. My sentiments exactly, dear doctor. 

SQUILLS. But Brag ; he is a scoundrel. 

Brief. He is worse. He is a villain. 

Squills. Deep dyed. 

Brief. Double distilled. 

Squills. And he played us a contemptible trick. 

Brief. He did, sir. 

Squills. He ought to be punished severely. 

Brief. He ought, sir. 

Squills. Let’s do it. 

Brief. Let’s. {They again shake hands. Enter JACK D. L.) 

Squills. Ah, good afternoon, Mr. Schuyler. Where is your 
dear, late lamented, long deceased, but still alive and lately re¬ 
turned uncle ? 

Brief. Yes, where is he ? 

Jack {aside). Everybody seems to be on. {Aloud.) Sirs,— 
that is, my uncle,- 

Brief. Yes, your uncle. 

Squills. Don’t try to deny it, young man. We have author¬ 
ity for the belief that he is alive. 

Brief. Exactly. Alive, sir. 

Squills. And we demand to be shown where he is, that we 
may mete out his just punishment. 

Brief. We do, sir. 

Jack. Well, I am sorry that I cannot accommodate you, but 
my uncle,- 

Squills. Yes, your uncle. 





John Brag, Deceased* 


37 


Brief. Just so, your uncle. 
Jack. My uncle is in jail. 



Jack. In jail. 


‘ | In jail! 


Brief. Good. 

Squills. Excellent. The law will take its course, and just 
retribution will fall upon his sinful head. 

Brief. Amen, dear doctor, amen. 

Squills. Blackstone, it seems that a kind fate has taken the 
task of punishing this miserable worm from off our shoulders. 

Brief. It undoubtedly has, Cerephus. 

Squills. Let’s take a drink. 

Brief. Let’s [They again shake hands, and exit D. F. M usic 
“ Razzle , Dazzle .”) 

Jack. Two old fools (sits R. of table}. Forever meddling in 
someone’s affairs. (Bonnie enters D. L. She comes down R. of 
table and places her hands over Jack's eyes.) 

Jack (rising). Bonnie, my darling. Here at last. 

Bonnie. Forever and aye, Jack. (They embrace L. Enter 
D. R. Brag, Mrs. Brag and the three daughters. They are 
dressed for travelling and carry satchels , etc.) 

Brag. Well, here we are, Jack. Is the coast clear? 

Jack. All clear, sir. 

Mrs. Brag. Isn’t it romantic to have your dear father back 
again ? 

Ruby. So much nicer than having a stepfather. 

Pearl. Like that old Brief. 

Sapphire. Or that older Squills. 

Brag. Hush, don’t mention them. I want to forget the past, 
and be happy once more. 

Mrs. Brag. And we are going abroad, Jack. But what is to 
become of you ? 

Jack. Oh I shall become a husband. 

All. A husband ! 

Jack. Yes. Allow me. My future wife. (Presents Bonnie.) 

All. Bonnie! 

Brag. The devil. 

Mrs. Brag. No the dancer. 

Bonnie. Yes, Bonnie, once the dancer, but from this time 
henceforth and forever,—Jack’s little wife. 


CURTAIN. 


Situations. Brag and Mrs. Brag, Ruby, Pearl and 
Sapphire up C. Jack and Bonnie L. 


A BUNCH OF ROSES 


A Burlesque Musical Entertainment, By W„ D. Felter 


PRICE. 15 CENTS 


Cast of Characters 

Mrs. Phcebe Ann Rose ...••••. from Kalamazoo 
Prudence Lobelia 
Polly Clorinda 

Pamel L ia A > . the Bunch of Roses 

Patience 
Penelope 
Lilly ^ 

Vwlet f . the Rose-buds 

Daisy j 

Sally Sparks .. who only “ thinks so.” 

Matilda Jane. the Hired Girl 

Melvin Melrose. the Only Young Man on the Spot 


A burlesque musical entertainment in I act, by W. D. Felter (author of “ The Sweet 
Family,” etc.), i male, 13 female characters. Time of performance, about 1% hours. 
This is a miscellaneous programme rendered for the benefit of “ The Free Ice Fund 
for the Philippine Islanders.” It includes various “specialties,” living pictures, 
Mother-Goose chorus, etc., and concludes with a burlesque operetta entitled “John¬ 
ny Jones.” The Roses, the Rosebuds and the Only Young Man on the Spot make up 
an entertainment that cannot fail to excite continuous mirth for the better part of an 
evening. The author has produced this burlesque at church entertainments in many 
parts of the country, with unvarying success. 


GERTRUDE MASON, M.D. 

Or, THE LADY DOCTOR 


A Farce in One Act, for Female Characters, By 
L. M. C. Armstrong 

PRICE, 15 CENTS 


Cast of Characters 

Gertrude Mason, M.D. a young Physician 

Bertha Lawrence > , _ . 

Ella Gray ). her Friends 

Miss Jane Simpkins. a Spinster of Uncertain Age 

Mrs. Van Style. one of the “ 400" 

Norah ............ Dr. Mason's Cook 

Marie.. a Lady's Maid 

Time.— The Present. Place.— New York. 

Time of Representation.— Thirty Minutes. 


An exceedingly bright piece for young ladies, in which young Dr. Gertrude, 
already a victim of circumstances, is made the victim of a practical joke. The scenes 
with Mrs. Van Style , who mistakes the doctor for a pawnbroker, and Miss Jane 
Simpkins , who brings a sick dog to be cured, are hilarious, while Nora , an Irish cook, 
is deliciously droll. The cook is the star of the piece, but all the personages are 
vivacious and every situation bristles with fun. 


Dick & Fitzgerald, Publishers, 18 Ann Street, New York 


















MY LADY DARRELL 

Or, A STRANGE MARRIAGE 

A Drama in Four Acts, by JOSEPH LE BRANDT 

Price, 25 Cents 


This drama possesses all the elements of success—quick movement, strong heart- 
interest, genuine comedy, powerful situations, effective stage pictures, grand climaxes. 

It is unconventional in plot and treatment, and runs the whole gamut of interest. 
With the opening act on a farm, we have the rural play ; the second act, at the home 
of Lord Darrell, affords society-drama; the last act, with its thrilling denouement in 
The Beggars’ Paradise, gives strong melodrama. The characters are all real, living 
people. 

Each act is stronger than the preceding one ; each incident adds to the interest; the 
unravelling of the plot holds the attention and sympathy of the audience to the end. 
It is full of surprises ; the story is not so simple that the audience can tel! exactly what 
is going to happen next. The pathos of one scene brings a tear to the eye, only to be 
banished the next moment by a hearty laugh at a bright line or a mirthful bit of 
comedy. Scenes of the play have been likened to such successes as The Wife, The 
Wages of Sin, The Two Orphans, etc. The leading female r 61 e (Alice) is on the 
style of characters assumed by Miss Annie Russell. Easy to stage, the piece can be 
produced in an ordinary hall by actors of average talent. Its author’s reputation and 
its professional success during two seasons especially recommended the play. Profes¬ 
sional rights reserved. No charge for amateur production. 


DRAMATIS PERSON.® 


Alice, afterwards Countess of Darrell 

Viola Vaughn. 

Lady Darrell, Roy's mother . . 

Martha Paisey. 

Kate Crifps. 

Mother Cripps. 

Lord Roy Darrell ...» 
George Vaughn, alias Count Jura 
Armstrong Dale .... 
Sir Geoffrey Rawdon 
Captain Lionel Wyndham 

Joseph Paisey. 

Job Trotters. 

Toby Bruce . 

Dalton, Sergeant of Police 


, , , Lead 

. Genteel Heavy 
Straight Old Woman 
Character Old Woman 
Emotional Heavy 
Character Old Woman 
. Juvenile Lead 

. Genteel Heavy 

. Light Comedy 

Straight Old Man 
. Juvenile Man 
Character Comedy 
Character Comedy 
Character Heavy 
, . , Utility 


Time.—T he Present 


Place 


England. 


Time of Representation. —Two Hours and a Half. 


SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS 


Act. I. — Scene i. The Paisey Farm. “Now, strike if you dare!” Scene a. 
Lord Darrell’s Estate. A Strange Marriage. 

Act II. —A lapse of four months. The Plot. The Insult. The Blow. 

Act III.—The Abduction. The Recognition. “You are the murderer of Capt 


Wyndham ! ” . 

Act IV.—In London. “ I’ll rescue her if it takes the 
veins!” The Beggars’Paradise. Finale. 


last drop of blood in my 


Dick & Fitzgerald, Publishers, 18 Ann Street, New York 


0C1 

















OCT 1 1902 


SHE WOULD BE A WIDOW; 

OR, BUTTERNUT’S BRIDE, 

An Original Farce-Comedy in Three Acts, for Laughing Purposes Only, 

By LEVIN C. TEES. 


PRICE.2 5 CENTS. 


Eleven male, six female characters (by doubling, the piece can be played by 
seven gentlemen and four ladles). The leading male parts offer great opportunities 
for two comedians ; the remaining male characters will yield barre of run. All of 
the female parts are first rate and none of them difficult to pla , As played by 
Matthews & Bulger, under the name of •• At Gay Coney island, is play has won 
applause everywhere from packed houses. It is a laugh-produce il around. 


CAST OF CHARACTERS 


ung lady and 
live up to his 

. Low Comedy 

/.dventure, and 

.Light Comedy 

; which fails to 
..Straight Old Man 
jt objectionable 


BENJAMIN BUTTERNUT, an unworthy plumber, who weds 
contracts to make her a widow in two weeks, but do< 

agreement— . '9 

Dr. FELIX SYRUP, who brings about Butternut’s matrimr r 
afterward devotes his energies to sever the bond3... 

UNCLE ABEL SYRUP, who resorts to an innocent st' 

pan out well. 

WILLIE GOODFELLOW, with a pet scheme for gettii , riJ 

husbands. Juvenile Gentleman 

GOPHIR BILL, a noted burglar whom the plumber attempts to teach the 

business •. # Character Bit 

DEPUTY SHERIFF POUNCE, who meets first a cordial and then a very warm 

reception..... Utility Man 

UNDERTAKER SCREWEMDOWN, who comes to grief in trying to bury a live 

subject ... Character Bit 

HIRAM JONES, a laud speculator. .. Utility'iMan 

FIRST KEEPER...........Utility Man 

SECOND KEEPER. Utility Man 

REPRESENTATIVE GRABALL, a useful member of the Legislature, with an 

eye to spoils. Character Bit 

SIX MEMBERS OF THE LEGISLATURE. Supernumeraries 

GEORGIE FANSHAW, afterward Mrs. Benjamin Butternut, a young lady with 

a fad for becoming a widow without losing a husband.. .Leading Comedy Lady 

NAOMI ROSEBUD, who knows what fun “ we widows have ”. Ingenue 

DAISY CARROTS, with a penchant for mixing up things generally, Rough Soubrettk 

Mrs. LYDIA BROCK, who finds her well-intended efforts unappreciated.. 

Comic Old Woman 

BIDDY MULHOOLEY, an excited matron from the Emerald Isle. Character Bit 

NANETTE FANCHETTE, in search of her truant husband... Character Bit 

Time, the present. Locality, Acts I. and II. in New York City; Act III. at Dover, 
Delaware. Time of Representation, 2% hours. 


SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS. 

ACT I.—Dr. Syrun’s office—An M. D. in the dumps—“ When are you going to pay 
me my wages, sa-ay ?’—Making ’em feel at home—Poor Willie—Striking a bargain— 
Uncle Abel’s scheme—Daisy in a scrape—An unprincipled plumber with a classical 
countenance—A deputy sheriff taking stock on the quiet. Throwing out the wrong 
man—Fifty dollars for a husband—Preparations for the wedding, and arrangements 
for a first class funeral—“ Doctor, the bath-tub is busted amd the house is afloat ! ” 

ACT II.—The home of Butternut's bride in Madison avenue—Not such a soft 
snap after all—“When I win my wife’s affections, I’ll raise your wages’’—Willie 
floored and the ladies nave a little set-to—Old acquaintances hatch a nice little plot— 
The doctor and the undertaker disappear through the window, and the plumber 
assumes control of the establishment. The greatest scheme of all—A burglar goes a 
burgling. Making mincemeat of the whole caboodle of them—Another surprise for 
old Butternut—Uncle Abel is mistaken for a lunatic and run off to the asylum, and 
Gophir Bill takes the last trick. 

ACT III.—Hotel parlor at Dover—Uncle Abel, bent on vengeance, sets a trap 
for the plumper—Mrs. Syrup cultivates the manly art and comes down to Delaware 
with blood in her eye—Butternut on a bicycle—“She bought you for a job lot and 
got stuck ”—“ Fixing” the Legislature—“ Telling her all ”—Willie’s Infernal machine 
—Making a will In a hurry—Mrs. Syrup gives up boxing lessons, and the doctor gets 
anotherchance In business—The infernal machine knocks out the Legislature—“ You 
drunken Idiots, this aint the railroad bill ! ’’—Butternut on the matrimonial market 
again—Finale. 

Copies will be mailed, postpaid, to any address, on receipt of the price. 


DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, 18 Ann St., New York, 





















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mm 








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<m 


ALL THE COMFORTS OF HOME. 


PRICE, 25 CENTS. 

A comedy in four acts, by William Gillette, as 
first produced at the Boston Museum, March 3, 
1890. Authorized copyright edition, printed from 
the original prompt-copy. Ten male, seven female 
characters. Time of representation, two hours 
and thirty-five minutes. 


A NIGHT OFF. 

PRICE, 2 5 CENTS. 

A comedy in four acts, from the German ofSchon- 
than, by Augustin Daly, as first produced at 
Daly’s Theatre, New York, March 4, 1885. Au¬ 
thorized copyright edition, printed from the original 
prompt-copy. Six male, five female characters. 
Time of representation, two hours and a half. 


SEVEN-TWENTY-EIGHT. 

PRICE, 25 CENTS. 

A comedy in four acts, from the German of Schon- 
than, by Augustin Daly, as first produced at 
Daly’s Theatre, New Yprk, February 24, 1883. 
Authorized copyright edition, printed from the 
original prompt-copy. Seven male, four female 
characters. Time of representation, two hours and 
a half. 

* T * 

f®?* Any of these plays will be sent, post-paid, 
to any address, on receipt of the annexed price. 

DICK & FITZGERALD, 
Publishers, 18 Ann St., New York. 



















































































